


that's some interesting content

by zanykingmentality



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Found Family, Gen, Mild Cursing, There is nothing serious about this fic, quiplash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24334771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanykingmentality/pseuds/zanykingmentality
Summary: Hilda bought Quiplash and she derails class to play.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	that's some interesting content

**Author's Note:**

> i was playing quiplash with my friends and i wanted to write this for golden deer cuz i miss them. took me a bit to figure out how to format it lol. this au is fodlan but it's modern. please enjoy!

Hilda bought Quiplash the other day. Oh, no. 

Instead of having class one day, she convinces their TA to let them spend a good chunk of class playing Jackbox games. It works. 

“How do you play?” Leonie asks, squinting at the presentation screen.

“Simple,” Hilda says. “The game will give you prompts to answer, and you just type in your answer. Then everyone votes on the best answer.” 

Once everyone’s in, they begin. 

*

byleth

cloud 

lesbian 

Lorenz Hellm 

Marianne

Leonie

meat

Iggy

Lysithea 

*

“Lorenz, did you really try to put in your full name?” Hilda asks. 

“I thought that was the idea,” Lorenz says indignantly. 

“Wait, why isn’t it starting?” Byleth stares at the screen. 

“You have to press everyone’s in on your phone,” says Claude, using this chance to sidle up to her and point to her phone screen. Byleth, ever oblivious, either does not recognize this tactic or does not care. 

*

_Someone you’d love to eat on a deserted island_

Claude. —lesbian (Lorenz Hellm, meat, Lysithea) 43%

the rich —Leonie (byleth, Marianne, Iggy, cloud) 57%

*

“As much as I’d love to eat the rich, I’d rather eat Claude first,” Lysithea says. 

“Aww, you _do_ care!” Claude crows. 

Hilda rolls her eyes. 

*

_The title of an erotic movie for elephants_

trunking —Iggy (Lorenz Hellm, Marianne) 29%

sexualphants —cloud (byleth, lesbian, Lysithea, meat, Leonie) 71%

*

“This is _highly_ inappropriate,” Lorenz says. 

“Consider this: nobody cares,” replies Leonie. 

*

_The most important rule for the Archbishop_

be sexy —byleth (cloud, lesbian, Leonie, Lysithea) 57%

Fairness —Marianne (Iggy, Lorenz Hellm, meat) 43%

*

“You shouldn’t objectify the Archbishop,” Lorenz says. “Isn’t that right, Ignatz?” 

Ignatz blinks at him. “I didn’t choose be sexy because I’m gay, Lorenz,” he says. “Archbishop Rhea could never be sexy to me.” 

“That’s not how that works,” Hilda protests. “I mean, you have _eyes_ , right? She’s built like an hourglass!” 

“I suppose being attractive comes with the job,” Marianne says, quietly. Everyone hears her. 

“Exactly!” Hilda says, waving her arms around her head like this is something she actually cares about. “Back me up, Professor.” 

Byleth shifts in her seat. “Archbishop Rhea is very sexy,” she says. 

“HA.” Hilda gloats this victory over everyone else, which isn’t really fair because Byleth is the one that wrote the answer. Well, no harm no foul, she supposes. 

*

_T_ _he Kingdom of Faerghus’s favorite saying about the peasantry_

Your steak is to die for. —meat (byleth, Leonie) 29%

Made to Suffer. —Lysithea (cloud, lesbian, Lorenz Hellm, Marianne, Iggy) 71%

*

“Raph, I don’t think you get the point here,” Lysithea says. 

“No, I do.” Raphael flexes subtly. “I just think the steak in Faerghus is to die for.” 

“He’s right,” Leonie says sagely. “If someone told me to fight to the death for some Faerghus-style steak, I would simply do it.” 

“You all are so simple-minded,” says Lysithea. 

“I’m hungry,” says Byleth.

*

_The best way to seduce your professor_

Be Claude. —lesbian (byleth, cloud, Lorenz Hellm, Leonie, Meat, Iggy, Lysithea) 100%

maybe dont?? —Marianne 0%

QUIPLASH! 

*

“That’s expected,” Marianne sighs. Hilda should feel a little worse about this, but the way Claude is staring at that answer totally makes up for it. His jaw is slack and his eyes keep darting over to Byleth, who’s staring at her phone. 

“I was on the fence about that one,” Leonie says. “Someone should’ve said fishing.” 

“You know the way to my heart, Leonie,” Byleth says. 

Leonie sputters. “Only because you’re Jeralt’s kid!” 

Byleth’s serene smile implies that she does not believe a word of that. 

* 

_A name for a country singer that’s a dog_

Carrie Underwoof —meat (byleth) 14%

Man-howl-a —Lorenz Hellm (cloud, lesbian, Marianne, Leonie, Iggy, Lysithea) 86%

*

“What’s a Carrie Underwoof?” asks Leonie. 

Byleth smiles mysteriously. Raphael looks as if he’s seen into the future. 

“Only one of the best country artists ever,” Raphael says. 

“I’ve never heard of them,” Leonie grumps. 

“They’re probably super obscure,” Claude says. This bothers Leonie even more. 

* 

_Something you don’t want your surgeon to say when you wake up_

Got your nose!! —Iggy (Lorenz Hellm, Marianne, Leonie, meat) 57%

oh shit um fuck what —cloud (byleth, lesbian, Lysithea) 43%

* 

"If a surgeon told me they got my nose, I would simply panic," Claude says. "Rip to me but good answer, Ignatz." 

Ignatz blushes. 

*

_A new policy that should be adopted by the Leicester Alliance_

House Gloucester is the ruling house. —Lorenz Hellm 0% 

can someone please teach me to read —byleth (cloud, lesbian, Marianne, Leonie, meat, Iggy, Lysithea) 100%

QUIPLASH!

*

“That’s borderline treason, Lorenz,” Claude says. Lorenz sweats nervously. 

“Wait, Professor, you don’t know how to read?” Ignatz asks. “How’d you type that then?” 

Byleth shrugs and taps her head. Everyone is confused. 

“Well, even though it made no sense,” Lysithea says, “I couldn’t let myself vote for Lorenz.” 

“I take that as a personal slight,” Lorenz says. 

“Good.” 

*

_What you’d rename Adrestia’s tallest tower_

Adrestia’s Big One —Lysithea (cloud, Marianne, meat) 43%

my dick hahaha —Leonie (byleth, lesbian, Lorenz Hellm, Iggy) 57%

* 

“You have _no_ subtlety,” Lysithea says. 

Leonie winks. “Thanks, babe.” 

Lysithea goes red and hides her face. 

“Okay, who won?” Hilda leans forward eagerly. 

The screen displays: _byleth._

“Of fucking course,” Lorenz grouches, chucking his phone across the room. 

“Watch out, that shit’s expensive!” Leonie yells. 

“I’ll get a new one,” Lorenz grumbles. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this writing it felt like a fever dream


End file.
